


The Hero of Her Own Story

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 16:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2588867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I'm really tired and I haven’t loved him for a long time.  Even if I did, this is a pretty clear indication that he doesn’t give a damn about me.” Erin pointed to her face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hero of Her Own Story

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story deals with domestic violence against women, discusses it openly, and shows the physical effects of that violence.
> 
> I wasn’t sure I was going to write this story because the ‘strong women get abused’ trope gets really old really fast. But I think the truth of the matter is that anyone can be abused by a loved one, even those we think are the strongest we know. And while I had doubts about my ability to capture it realistically, I had no doubt that it’s a story that is very important to tell.

**Late March, 1995**

He wasn’t quite sure if the doorbell rang but the dog stood up from his sleeping spot on the rug. Dave looked up from his typewriter. Even if Mudgie was going crazy it didn’t mean that the doorbell rang. It was a chilly and rainy night. The wind howled; everything was making noise. 

The second time he thought he heard it, maybe it was the third by now, Dave stood up from his chair. He started walking toward the door with Mudgie in tow. The retriever let out a few warning barks to let the person on the other side know that he could kill them. Mudgie’s bark was worse than his bite but Dave appreciated the sentiment. When he opened the door, it was impossible not to gasp.

“Erin…” he pushed open the screen door.

“The girls are in the car. I barely had the strength to carry them.”

“We’ll get them together.”

Dave grabbed a large black umbrella from the stand behind his door. He stepped out onto the porch and Mudgie came with him.

“Stay Mudge, guard the place.”

Mudgie sat and put on his best tough guard dog face. This was his home and he would protect it under any circumstances. Dave opened the umbrella; he and Erin walked down the stone steps of his large ranch style house. Two little girls were asleep in the back of her Beamer in the driveway. Nora was seven years old and Mary Katherine barely four. 

It wasn’t easy to get them unstrapped, bundled, and out of the car without everyone getting soaked but they managed most of it. As soon as they were back on the porch, Dave took both girls into his arms and went into the house. Erin stayed outside. She was trembling but it didn’t have much to do with the March chill. She watched her daughters disappear into the house and her heart beat just a bit faster. 

On nights like this, Erin hated having them out of her sight. Keeping her girls safe was her top priority. She didn’t even try to stop the stray tears that fell as she attempted to light her cigarette. Her trembling hands and the strong winds made it even more difficult. 

A little while later, Erin had no idea how much time had passed, Dave walked back outside. He was gentle when he took the lighter from her hands. Erin took a deep inhale of the Marlboro Mild, listening to the familiar hiss of paper burning. She turned and looked out at the rain…looking at Dave was impossible right now.

“We should um…” he cleared his throat. Dave didn’t know whether he would burst into tears or fly into a rage. After what Erin had been through tonight keeping his cool was essential. The last thing either of them needed was for him to upset her. “You should get cleaned up.”

“I just need to get myself together first.” She rubbed her hand down her arm like she was cold. Then she winced in pain. “I almost thought you weren’t home. Then the dog started barking. Where the hell would I have gone if you weren’t here…I couldn’t go to Kirk’s?”

“I'm here.” It was all he could say.

“Did the girls wake up?” Erin asked.

“No. And Mudgie’s in there looking after them. They are going to be fine. Will they know where they are in the morning?”

“Nora was awake when we left home. She was crying because…” she tried to breathe. Her breath was shallow and smoking the cigarette probably didn’t help. Erin felt as if she swallowed a rock and it just sat in the center of her chest. She’d felt that way before. No doubt there would be bruises in that spot in the morning. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go, David.”

“You don’t have to explain anything. This door will never be closed to you.”

“I think you mean this door will never be closed to me between wives.” Erin almost smiled but there was nothing to smile about.

“I meant what I said. I could fuckin kill him.” Dave ran his hands over his face. “This is not about me, this is about keeping you and the girls safe. I know this isn’t about me, and I don’t want to be a selfish bastard, but oh my God I could literally wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him.”

“I didn’t come here for that.”

“I know.” she didn’t want to hear that and Dave knew why. His heart was in the right place but it was the last thing Erin needed right now. This could not be about his rage, it had to be about her comfort. They'd been here before. His hope of never again didn’t prove to be the case.

“I'm leaving him. That’s what we were fighting about. It’s been unbearable since I got the promotion…he actually thinks I excelled to spite him. I know I've said it before but this time I mean it. I can't live like this for one more day. I don’t know how I have for so long.”

Dave didn’t say anything. He leaned against the banister and just listened. He also prayed to God that she really meant it. The situation was unhealthy for the girls and downright dangerous for Erin. The more Eli lost control of certain aspects of her life, the violence would escalate. Surely she didn’t come to Dave every time there was an altercation but this was the worse he’d seen.

“The violence has been escalating for some time. I tried to deny it; told myself that all couples fight and sometimes it’s bad. It was more yelling and verbal abuse than physical so I would get through it. He promised, after the last time he shoved me into the wall, that it would never happen again. Why in God’s name did I ever believe him? I knew the bastard was lying when he said it.”

“You and the girls can stay here as long as you need to.” Dave said. “It’s not a problem.”

“I'm renting a condo in DC...I was just approved. It’s under an assumed name so I'm sure Eli won't find it. You want to hear something crazy?” she almost looked at him when she asked. “He doesn’t know about my mother’s novels. Even you know about my mother’s novels but Eli doesn’t. So last month I applied for a condo and used my mother’s pseudonym to do it. I even got a fake driver’s license. Jesus, I never thought it would come to something like this.”

Are you afraid for your life, Erin?”

“No.” she replied even though she wasn’t sure. “I know how Eli can be when he doesn’t get his way. Under no circumstances do I want him knowing where I live. We see this all the time…so many women are killed when they are in the process of leaving or right after. I'm going to call my lawyer in the morning. I’ll get a restraining order to keep him away from the girls. I'm going to have to get pictures of this. Everything has to be done correctly.”

“You can think about that in the morning.”

“I have to get them while they’re fresh. It’s better.”

“OK. Come inside and I’ll make you a drink. You can clean up and take pictures with my camera. The girls might wake up; they shouldn’t see you like this.”

“I refuse to look into a mirror.” Erin closed her eyes. “I feel like it’s really bad, David. I mean, it’s always bad but I feel like it’s really bad this time.”

“I'm desperately thinking of something witty and reassuring to say.” Dave said. “I have nothing. I'm so sorry.”

“I fought back tonight; it was nearly a fair fight. All my defense training, all that ju jitsu, and I rarely fought back. It was as if I was afraid of really hurting him. How insane is that given what he did to me? I almost smile thinking about how he’ll explain away the gash on his head and possible black eye at the hospital tomorrow. I would smile if it didn’t hurt to do it.”

“Your lip’s busted.”

“I know.” she nodded. “Unfortunately I'm well aware of what a busted lip feels like.”

“Swear to me that you're leaving him, Erin.” He tried to hold back the flood of emotion. It was one of the hardest things Dave Rossi had ever done. In fact he was doing a lousy job. “Just swear it.”

“I swear.” She plucked the cigarette into the darkness and held her hand up like a Boy Scout. “I'm really tired and I haven’t loved him for a long time. Even if I did, this is a pretty clear indication that he doesn’t give a damn about me.” Erin pointed to her face.

There was definitely going to be a bruise under her right eye; she already felt it forming. That would be easier to cover than a ring. She had scratches on her face and neck and a bruise on her cheek from being slapped with the back of his hand. Erin was sure there were or would be bruises on her neck, shoulder, and chest. 

Eli got very physical when she tried to walk away and end the argument. He wasn’t done and it wasn’t over until he said so. She didn’t think her left wrist was broken, she remembered that feeling from a sports injury in high school, but it hurt like hell. Her skin was slightly purple and beginning to swell. It was in her best interest to get it looked at in the morning. 

Dave led her into the house but that was all Erin let him do. She went into the powder room on her own. Though she didn’t want to look into the mirror, she did. It was hard not to cry as she cleaned herself up as best she could. She had to take off her shirt to get pictures with the camera Dave gave her. 

There were some bruises and slight swelling in her lung and kidney area; that could be why it was difficult to breathe. Purple marks were forming around her neck, right shoulder, and on her chest. Erin took pictures of everything. She also made sure that she got her face and wrist.

“You can change in my room.” Dave was leaning against the wall when she came out of the powder room. He didn’t want to get too close and make Erin uncomfortable. “I laid out some sweats and a tee shirt for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Sure.” He nodded and turned back toward the kitchen. 

Dave put on the teakettle on before grabbing a bottle of Jameson’s from his cabinet. He doubted she was hungry but he opened the fridge and took out a bag of croissants. One of them went into the toaster oven. When he came back into the den, Dave was carrying a wooden tray. 

There was chamomile tea with a shot and a half of whiskey, a croissant with butter and blackberry preserves on the side. He added a bottle of Excedrin for any pain she might have. Erin was sitting on the couch, curled up around one of the large pillows. She looked smaller in his clothes. Her face was battered but there was a calm in her that he hardly expected after the hell she went through.

“I really appreciate this.” She said.

“Did you check on the girls?”

“They're still sound asleep. Your dog is in the bed with them. When they wake up in the morning I'm sure they’ll be thrilled. Nora has been praying for a dog, literally asking for one when she says her prayers at night. She’ll probably think God finally answered her.”

“Mudgie loves kids.” Dave said.

“What kind of name is Mudgie?”

“It’s a dog name I guess.”

“Did you name him or was he born with that name?” Erin asked.

“The breeder gave it to him because he looked like a little ball of mud when he was born. I love shelter dogs, they’re awesome, but a Chesapeake isn’t an easy retriever to find at the pound. I wanted him to be able to hunt and fish with me so I called a friend and got some breeder information. He's a good dog.”

“A fierce protector?”

“His bark is definitely worse than his bite but I wouldn’t want to see what he might do to someone who tried to hurt me or anyone else he protects. Everyone thinks retrievers are so lovable and cuddly but any dog can be deadly when someone they love is at risk.”

“But Chesapeakes aren't known for their random attacks on humans?”

“No.” Dave shook his head. “Mudgie can be a jumper when he’s excited but for the most part he's very well trained. He has a degree from doggie school and everything. I framed it.”

“His family must be so proud.” Erin smiled, winced, and put her fingers on her lip.

“Drink your tea; it should help you sleep.”

“I don’t want to sleep.”

“Then drink it because it’ll help the pain some.”

Erin nodded. She took two Excedrin and drank them down with chamomile and whiskey. It might not have been her best move. She didn’t care, as tonight had turned into one giant fuck this. Erin knew Eli would be angry that she wanted a divorce. She also knew the conversation could turn violent. 

Having it over the phone from far away was her first thought. But there was no point in trying to avoid it. They would eventually have to be face to face again. Face his wrath now and not have to worry that he’d come later when she wasn’t looking. 

All Erin knew was that she couldn’t stay with him another day. The relationship was draining the life out of her. If it didn’t succeed, Eli might. There was no way someone like him was worth dying for. She was in a very dangerous position but wasn’t going to back down now.

“My father told me not to marry him.” Erin took another long sip of her tea. It was strong but she needed it. Then she leaned back on the couch and lit a cigarette.

“From what I remember of your dad, pulling punches wasn’t his thing.” Dave said. “That probably wasn’t the best expression to use. It was insensitive.”

“No.” she shook her head. “I know what you mean. After I told him that Eli and I were engaged he took me to the side. He said, ‘I don’t want you to marry him but it’s not for the reasons you might think’. Of course I sang Eli’s praises. 

“He was handsome, cultured, well educated, driven, witty…on paper he was the perfect choice. At the time I really did love him and felt his ambition and love matched mine. I remember dad looking me straight in the eye and telling me, ‘Eli is a beta. Beta males and alpha females rarely mix well’.”

“He said that?” 

“Yeah. I scoffed at the time. I knew what he meant but I thought it was just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. It’s doubtful I ever would’ve described Eli as alpha. But I had an idea about beta males and he didn’t fit that idea. I see the look in your eyes, David. You agree with my dad, don’t you?”

“I don’t want to say anything bad about Eli. No, that’s not true…I want to say a million bad things. I never want you to feel like I don’t respect you and the choices you’ve made. At the time no one could’ve ever imagined it would be like this.”

“One night only.” Erin sat up some and took a deep inhale of the cigarette. “Just tell me the whole truth; exactly what you're thinking. I won't judge or get angry or hold it against you. Cross my heart.”

“Erin…”

“I'm serious. I need you to do this. Over the years, people I love have said little things to me. Some have said big things. I want to know if I was the only one blinded by his mask.”

“It’s a hell of a mask.” Dave said. “And your blinders weren’t on for that long. I'm not going to get out of this, am I?”

“You couldn’t possible think you would.”

He didn’t really. When Erin Strauss wanted something she went after it. At one time that something had been him. Dave and Erin had been close and not close for many years. He’d never liked her husband; often thought he might just be jealous. 

Then Dave started seeing the signs. Something wasn’t right. He never once confronted Erin about it and the few times he caught her eye, she seemed grateful about that. This wasn’t the first time she’d come to him after a physical altercation. This wasn’t the first time she said she would leave him. 

Dave was sure that she had to be more embarrassed than he was angry. Erin was strong and resilient like an eagle. At the Bureau they called her the Eaglet, behind her back of course, as Kirk Douglas was known as the Eagle. Everyone knew that she was Kirk’s protégé and would go far in her career. Man, with their intrusive and violence tendencies were the eagle’s only predator.

“Eli wore the well-constructed mask of an alpha male but was definitely a beta.” Dave took a deep breath. He’d profiled Eli Strauss on probably a million occasions. He just didn’t want it to sound like he had. “He was driven and intelligent but deep down was, and is, petrified of being found out. He has most of the world fooled but you laid with him long enough that he couldn’t fool you anymore. You were his trophy, Erin. 

“Any man would be lucky to have you; Eli won the lottery of life. What he failed to realize is that an alpha can't really be tamed. They're alphas for a reason. One day he was going to hit his peak and never surpass it. That’s the beta’s life in an alpha world. It holds no bearing on many of them being successful and happy people with full lives. 

“But his alpha wife broke out of the gate and nothing was going to stop her. The truth is I think that Eli had some sociopathic tendencies. He was mortified at the fact that he was a beta. He looked in the mirror and saw an alpha; he felt alpha blood pumping through his veins. You know what reminded him every day that he didn’t make the cut? You did. 

“That’s why he lashed out at you whenever he got the chance. At first it was about helping you to remember your place. Then he realized that you couldn’t bring down an alpha that way. So it became about destroying you, consuming you bit by bit until he really became the alpha he actually convinced himself that he was.”

Erin closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hear anymore. She hadn’t wanted to hear any more after Dave said that she was Eli’s trophy. It was true though. When they first got together he lavished her with gifts and praise. 

He told her how beautiful she was; what a lucky man he was. He encouraged her to always look amazing and said that a woman didn’t have to be frumpy to be successful. Soon enough Erin realized that Eli wanted her to be beautiful for him. He wanted people to be envious of what he had. 

None of it had ever been about Erin feeling good…it was always about him. She remembered the look on his face the first time he slapped her. She expected to see the same shock on his face that was on hers. But Eli was relieved. It was as if he had been waiting years to do it, to show Erin just what he thought of her. He liked it so much that it was difficult for him to stop after that.

“No one is going to miss him if he disappears.” Dave said.

“He's the father of my children, and I'm better than that. I used to lie awake at night worried that he would kill me and my life would become an episode of _Dateline_. Authorities would know he did it but never find the proof they needed to put him away. I would become a cold case afterthought; a cautionary tale about the monster behind Mr. Perfect. How would I be any better if I do that to him?”

“The difference would be that he deserved it.”

“He deserved to be left.” Erin said. “He deserves to have the power he thinks he wields snatched from his hands and used against him. My girls and I deserve peace. From now on I'm going to start thinking about me, about us. Eli deserves so many things but from this moment on that’s going to be someone else’s battle.”

“Nine years is a long time to be at war, Erin. The residual effects could last a lifetime.”

“Depression, anxiety,” Erin started to tick off the effects on her fingers. “Attempted suicide, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, anger management, PTSD, eating disorders, mutilation of self…I've read the articles. I'm ready to face it.”

“You just started a new position at the Bureau; that’s a lot to put on you at once.”

“Are you telling me to go back to Eli?” she asked.

“Hell no.” Dave shook his head. “I'm just saying that you might not be as prepared as you think you are. I'm not sure that anyone is.”

Two months ago, at the beginning of the year, Erin Strauss was promoted. She was now Unit Chief of BAU-1, Crimes against Adults. It was a serious step up as she was the first woman to have the position. It would take her from field work, where she excelled for years, into primarily administrative work but Erin thought it was worth it. She would have more time with her daughters and still be working a job that was exciting and fulfilling. It was that promotion that took her marriage from crumbling to rapid deterioration. 

She was 36 years old, young by federal agent standards, and was about to oversee 15 agents and at least 25 civilians and office staff. Her husband was 40 and had been overlooked again for at least two major promotions at George Washington University hospital. Eli was an oncologist. He was a good doctor, there was no doubt about that. There was also little doubt about the things he lacked. Erin had them in abundance.

“I just need…I need some space.” Erin sighed, leaning to put out her cigarette.

“I can leave you alone.” Dave got up from the chair. “Take all the time you need. Where do you want to sleep tonight?”

“I’ll just curl up with the girls later.” She took his hand as he walked by the couch. “Thank you, David.”

“You're welcome. I wasn’t always there for you, Erin. I don’t want to make that mistake again.”

“I don’t need a hero. I can do what needs to be done.”

“What about a friend? Do you not need any friends?” Dave asked. He didn’t need to be her hero. The last thing Erin needed was some fantasy. This was as real as things could get.

“I need some space.” She repeated in a low voice.

Nodding, Dave stroked her hand before letting it go. He walked out of the den and she watched him go. Once she was alone, Erin got up and walked over to the liquor cabinet. She didn’t want or need anything that was too strong. Dave always had the good vodka, for guests as he’d never been a vodka drinker, so Erin made herself a screwdriver. 

She sat back on the couch and turned so she was resting against the big pillow. The Excedrin had kicked in but there was still a dull thud just on the surface of her skin. Though Erin’s lip was sore, she lit a third cigarette. She was trying to relax but nothing was working. She told Dave that she didn’t want to sleep; that wasn’t the truth. 

If she could fall asleep and not wake up for a few days it would be amazing. There was no way Erin was going to Quantico in the morning, not looking like this. She would take Thursday and Friday to get her affairs in order. In the morning she would have to talk to her girls. They were going to be scared and worried about both parents. It was her job to calm those fears. 

She may have been falling apart but Erin wasn’t going to let the same thing happen to Nora and Mary Katherine. They would get through this together, just as they had everything else. The people in her life had her back. Erin knew she could stand on her own two feet, survive and thrive. That didn’t mean she wasn’t grateful for those who were there to catch her if she fell.

***


End file.
